Our Bay Area listeners know that Steve paid us a visit here in South San Francisco for the Family Feud auditions back in March 2013…and we also had a fab meet and greet going on at the same time. Side note: Steve is as funny and as down to earth as you’d imagine him to be. I am honored to a part of the Steve Harvey Morning Show family! So, I got a chance to take a pic with him AND bring him on stage. He was a hoot as he hosted the Family Feud battle between the Padilla family and the Whitney family (who swept it). At one point Mama Whitney said that her (tall, cute) son was single. Me being me, I STOOD UP…you know, just to let the brother know I was here and single, too (LOL). Comic relief! It was worth a good laugh.
I didnt even think that Steve took note of it at the time….but he did. Wednesday morning, he was talking about all the great people he met in SF. After reading an email from a KBLX listener, he said:
“Oh, Nikki Thomas is FLY….SHE AIN’T GOT NOBODY THO…can’t figure that one out. She’s fly…great personality.
I wonder why she ain’t got nobody?!?!?!”
Gee…Thanks Steve. LOL. In all honesty, it was a GREAT shout out! Hey, Steve, help a sista LOCATE some LOVE.
This was so good I had to share!
Here are Essence contributor Jai Stone‘s 8 ways to date like a lady and get results.
1. DON’T DO DINNER
As a general practice, I don’t do dinner on the first date. I have found that long meals with extended hours create too much social or financial pressure. I usually recommend that we meet for coffee or desert, that way neither of us is trapped. Let’s just say that the gentleman I go out with has the personality of a plunger. If it’s just coffee, then I can skip out in 30 minutes without any guilt. And he has only spent five bucks, so he hasn’t made any significant investment either. But if all goes well, then he earns himself a dinner date.
2. DO BE MANNERABLE AND CONSIDERATE
Please and thank you never go out of style. When I’m running late, I call. If I need to change the seating, I ask, “Do you mind?” It’s important to me not to take anyone’s time or feelings for granted.
3. DON’T TALK TOO MUCH
For the past two years, the number one complaint that I have heard from men about their first few dates is that women talk too much. Look a here: I’m the FloJo of chit-chat, so this one got me good. Apparently, when a woman talks nonstop it doesn’t give the man a chance to impress her. Men want to earn our interest and respect and constant tongue wagging robs him of that opportunity. It appears that asking lots of questions is a great way to get him talking and it creates a chance for him to win you over. Note to self: Research lip glue.
4. DO LOOK AMAZING
How many times have men told us that they are visual creatures? I always take the time to look freaking amazing. I focus on looking sexy without showing too much skin. Ladies, a man needs to always earn access to our body, even visual access. Besides, I would prefer that he focuses on the conversation rather than my cleavage.
5. DON’T CONSUME ALCOHOL
I know you are thinking that I must have bumped my doggone head on this one. But pump your brakes and listen to my logic. In my experience, people tend to get relaxed once they consume spirits – too relaxed in fact. That is when we women tend to say and do inappropriate things. Diarrhea of the mouth or loosey-goosey behavior is not a good look. It’s a sure way not to make it to a second date or to get improperly propositioned on the first one. If you feel like you need to relax take some deep breaths and think, hey, it’s just dessert. (See how I circled back to number one for you?)
6. DO SHOWCASE LOW-KEY SEX APPEAL
I see the side eye you’re giving me. What in blazes is low-key sex appeal, right? It’s all about the things that men find sexy that have nothing to do with sex. One of the things that men have complimented me on most is my confidence and charisma. Nothing makes a guy want to spend time with you more than being confident, fun and drama free.
7. DON’T BE CRITICAL OR DIFFICULT
Can I get a woot woot on this one? No one wants to spend time with a person who complains about everything from the parking to the peach pie. To a man, it feels like you’re criticizing his choices. I always keep in mind that he doesn’t know me and he is doing the best he can for now. If I don’t like the location, I bite the bullet and keep my mouth shut. When he finds out later that I was displeased, but didn’t complain, he appreciates me more for holding my tongue.
8. DO FLIRT IN A GIRLY KINDA WAY
Because men are more visual, they pick up more on subtle cues like eye contact, flirty smiles and blushing giggles. I use to think I had no idea how to flirt, but it turns out that I was flirting all along and didn’t know it. It seems that lingering looks and playful touches are just enough to get his engine revved up. Just don’t press the gas on the first date.
9. DON’T ACCEPT AN INVITATION VIA TEXT
I never, never ever accept an invitation for a first date via text message (did I mention never)? The least a fella can do is pick up the phone. And just in case he forgot that I’m worth it, I take a moment to remind him. When I see the exchange headed in that direction, I hit him back with “call me when you get a sec, so we can chat about it.” I have learned that if I don’t take our interactions seriously, then neither will he. If he doesn’t bother to make the call, I file it under the “hell nawl” category and keep it moving.
Nikki’s note: Number 1 and Number 9 are especially on the money!
You’re single and you’ve been looking to attract your true love for a long time now. Recently, you’ve gone on a few dates, even been in a relationship or two, but nothing has worked. All of your family and your friends are giving you more dating and relationship advice than you’re even asking for.
And one of the MOST ANNOYING and MOST FREQUENT pieces of advice you’re getting is: “You just need to get out there more and you’ll find your man.” Then that’s followed up with “You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, you know”.
But what if you don’t WANT to get out there more? What if there’s a feeling inside your heart and gut that’s telling you that there’s just got to be a better way??
Well, I’m here to tell you that you DON’T need to get out there more, darling.
Good news, right?
But here’s the deal, you need to get IN more! You DO have to expend some energy and focus and make finding the one a priority in your life! Just like anything else in life, relationships are not much different. To attract a conscious and intentional relationship, you must be conscious and intentional going about it. It doesn’t happen by default.
So what can you do to “get in more”?
1. Treat yourself to Extraordinary Self Care. Take extra good care of your spirit, your body, your mind, your heart. Want to experience extraordinary love in your life? Begin with loving yourself that much!
2. Journal daily on what you dream of in relationship. What kind of person do you long for? What kind of life do you want to lead with this person? How would he/she contribute to your life? How would you contribute to theirs? Get clear, go deep.
3. Get a personal Love Mentor. If you’d like to find out more about working with me personally, click HERE. I only work with a very small number of women personally, 1-on-1 each year, now is that time and I’ve got 3 spots available, so act quickly if you’d like to explore high level personal love mentoring.
4. Have fun. Do something that makes your heart sing at least once a day!
5. Take a personal growth/spiritual development workshop. Push your boundaries. Challenge yourself and do something new. Think you’ve done it all? Think you “know this already”? I say this respectfully, and if you haven’t found your soulmate yet, there’s still some learning to do on this subject. Be the first to know about our next Love Breakthrough Weekend Course HERE.
6. Be alone. Be very, very alone. Give yourself the gift of plenty of alone time and learn to cherish and savor it. If you are one of those people who hates being alone, ask yourself how can you learn to LOVE your alone time? You’ve got to be comfortable with the person in your own skin before you can attract someone else and be comfortable with them. Otherwise, another person can become like an addiction.
Please let me know in the comments below your thoughts and feelings on this week’s article, any aha’s, and what are you doing to “get IN more”?
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“The unexamined life is not worth living”
My AWESOME convo with India Aire at the KBLX studios!
Monday MAN-day here on NTN. We let the men speak on love, relationships, sex, and dating!
Interracial Dating–Sisters, it’s time to take the plunge
by Enitan Bereola
If it weren’t for interracial relationships, John McCain would be President.
Imagine driving across a bridge only to find the construction incomplete. Imagine a large gap splitting the bridge in half preventing anyone from progressing forward. Your only options are staying on your side of the bridge, or falling in the gap.
Millions of Black American women are taking the plunge. They either stick with Black or fall in the gap, and the gap is full of unhappily single ladies. Seventy percent of Black women are unmarried. In an article in Essence magazine, three-time Grammy Award-winning artist, Jill Scott wrote about her discreet distaste for interracial dating. She compares a handsome, intelligent and seemingly wealthy Black man married to a White woman, to the sting of a quiet mosquito under a summer dress. Ms. Scott stands firmly in her position that she, and many Black women “wince” at the sight of “one of their own” dating a White woman. She credits her disposition to the African-American slavery story in America.
That’s understandable. It’s important to remember where you came from in order to know where you’re going. But focusing on a negative pain and suffering associated with a historical past will surely prevent progression.
This is my response: Black women, you are beautiful. You are like fine wine – beautiful body, natural tones and a taste that makes the lips jealous of the tongue with a trip to ecstasy that justifies the affair. And like wine, you get better with age. But this is just my excerpt from the dissertation of loving a Black woman; this isn’t every Black man’s experience.
Some Black men believe that dating any race exclusively sets major limitations. Picking a mate is one of the most important decisions any of us will ever make. It’s how our names, family traditions, and culture will continue to exist on this earth long after we are all dead and gone. A Black man dating outside of his race isn’t always credited to self-hatred; often it’s not that deep at all. It’s simply about preference. If you find it acceptable to use religion, education, class, and common interests as criteria in deciding whom to date/not date, why can’t race be just one more criterion to the preference?
There also seems to be a double standard. When Reggie Bush, who dated Kim Kardashian, is featured on Black magazine covers, hundreds of thousands of Black women are outraged and boycott the magazine. But when Paula Patton, married to Robin Thicke, is featured in movies, millions of Black women run to the box offices in support. One, a Black man, the other, a Black woman, but both choose to love interracially.
Black women, this is for you: I understand your frustrations. It must be difficult to feel like you’ve arrived but don’t have a strong Black man to come home to. You’ve prepared yourself with degrees, beauty and intellect, but have no one to share it with. Nothing is concrete about love and there’s no easy solution for something so complex. I’m merely facilitating a new conversation for an old topic. But I can say this: You deserve the best and God grants us the desires of our heart. I’ve grown up around Black women all my life and I can’t imagine what it must be like to feel like you’re missing a soul mate. If you feel like there’s a shortage of Black men, then maybe it’s time to try something new. Open yourself up to new environments and new social circles. You never know what God can bring into your life when you’re open. Exude positivity, love and respect for all men, and watch what happens.
It’s odd to be mad at someone you don’t know for dating interracially. She didn’t steal your man. He wasn’t yours to begin with and being Black doesn’t give you entitlement. Stop sucking your teeth, rolling your eyes, and disrespecting the non-Black lady who dates a Black man. It only displays to her that you’re jealous, bitter and shows her that “she won.” None of which is true, but your emotions alter how you are perceived. Your anger needs to be redistributed and recycled. Don’t be mad at the lady of a different background; be frustrated with the current state of Black men as a whole. It’s a shame you don’t have a larger pool of straight, intelligent, attractive and successful gentlemen to date in the first place. The conversation has changed, let’s talk about that.
It’s easy to be frustrated, but challenge yourself to understand our intent. We are motivated by love. When you understand that a Black man dating outside of his race isn’t to spite you, abandon you, or betray you, maybe then will that mosquito bite sting Jill Scott referenced, stop the burning under your summer dress.
Black men, this is for you: Step it up. Human beings aren’t status symbols and trophies are usually plastic. Remove the notion that dating a certain race will contribute to your status. To call Black women loud, obnoxious, superficial and gold digging is to call your mother the same. We have a responsibility to ourselves and to our culture to love, support and consistently lift Black women up. We need them and they need us. But you don’t have to date one to love one. Dating interracially is a right of yours, but you have no right to disrespect your own race in the process. It’s completely ignorant to generalize all Black women based on some bad experiences. If your preference isn’t Black, you’re entitled to that. The excuse that we can’t find a Black lady on our level is dead. There are 1.8 million more Black women than Black men and certainly more successful Black women than us. Yes, we have a large pool of quality women to select from but don’t allow these staggering statistics dictate how you treat them. Being a player is played and disrespect went out of style with braids. Keep it Bereolaesque.
When we divide our social experiences, we divide our souls. God created us as all as His children. We are the ones who put divisions upon ourselves. There are no pages in The Bible condemning interracial dating, and no statutes in the laws either–it’s all in the mind. Dating is a choice and interracial dating is a part of a natural progression. This is what heaven looks like, ladies and gentlemen. It hurts to fall in the gap so let’s work toward bridging the gap. Forward progression is sexy. Live and let others live. Let’s get into that!
Enitan Bereola: Best Selling Author, Lifestyle Columnist, Style & Etiquette Impresario, Public Speaker and Contemporary Gentleman
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