I have not had sex since November of 2009.
Are you surprised? Is that too personal?
I have pondered about writing this for awhile now, but hey, why not?
This was not an intended celibacy, but it wasn’t torture, either. Honestly:
I just stopped dating.
I had lots of “activity” in 2008 and 2009. And as hard as I tried to disconnect the “activity” from the emotional entanglement….it happened anyway. It’s never *just* sex is it? Whether we like it or not, you will always bond somehow when you are intimate with someone. It’s a Universal law of some sort.
So I just let go. After I took off my rose colored glasses, I recognized that all the “fun” I thought I was having was nothing more than an unhealthy toleration for flakes, control freaks, and emotionally damaged and unavailable men. I am not bashing, and I am not saying any of these men are bad people. They were great, actually. Just not for me at that particular time.
And, I got tired of being disappointed. Women are different from men. There is such a thing as bad sex for us! There was bad sex with Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. There was Dr Feelgood who had nothing else to offer. There was Mr Dynamite. If you are a woman reading this, you probably know him already. LOL. None of it was worth holding on to! I am a single mother. Truth be told, you’ve got to be worth my time and the dough for childcare. I found that this was not the case.
It wasn’t until the 9 month mark that I even noticed that I wasn’t getting any! What I did notice was that I was living a productive, peaceful life. I was building this website. I was having great quality time with my daughter. I was cultivating great friendships. And I felt hotter than ever!
The Universe made it easy for me. There were and are plenty of opportunities for sex, I’ll be honest about that. But something always happened to deter my efforts (and desires). Spiritual c**k blocking!
Even though this did not start out as a spiritual journey, that is what it is right now. I feel more spiritually connected. I don’t have to “try” to do or be anything. It just is. I *want* to do the things that keep me spiritually strong: meditating, yoga, journaling, etc. I crave it and make time for it.
Could sex have been a distraction or diversion to what was really ailing me?
My recent days of soul searching have brought up some uncomfortable things. For starters, I’ve never been in love. I’ve been very fond of many people, but “in love” means having a healthy relationship, and I’ve never even been close. Could sex have confused things for me? I think so. I think it brought out the worst in me and the people I was involved with. Like I said, I tried very hard to NOT confuse sex and love. Could that have confused the men I was involved with? I was involved, but always making moves to ensure that I was not vulnerable. It’s a jagged pill to swallow. I had a conversation with a close male friend not long ago. He admitted that he had a problem separating sex and love. I didn’t know that men ever had that issue! This changes things for me big time.
So now, I am looking to allow myself the vulnerability that would precede falling not only in love, but into a healthy relationship. Sex is not hard to get (especially for a woman). But love seems damn near impossible! What I’ve learned is that you have to cultivate it. It doesn’t just ‘happen’.
I have a new rule: I only deal with people that I love. All the friends in my circle are the loves of my life! I am talking about the AGAPE kind of love. Can you tell your friends you love them? I can. And I do it all the time. I figure if I surround myself with love, that the love of my life is never far away.
My two cents: Sometimes relationships are based on convenience–how long you’ve known someone, the fact that you work together or have the same hobby, etc. Recognize if that’s what it is or not. Stick with folks who motivate you and make you feel alive! And that’s whether you’re sexing them or not!
Until next time!
Loving the honesty and YOU! Thank You Mam!
WOW cousin… I love it! Very insightful and deep. I really appreciate the fact that you took time to see what the problem may be… and how YOU resolved it. Kudos to you, cuz. I love you!
amazing piece! thank you for sharing and for being so open and honest. this was very thought-provoking for me…:)
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with you!
So is this a hint that you and Cousin Kev may have an unconscious bond or even attractiveness towards one another? Wow, this was very insightful.
Thanks for sharing!
I see that people appreciate you sharing but I’d be willing to bet every penny I have yet to earn that many people won’t be able to admit they see themselves somewhere in this piece. Good read, by the way.
Truth is, you covered a huge swath of unmarried grown folks. From those that stumble upon a spiritual journey and eventually learn to appreciate the spiritual c**k block, to Mr. Emotionally Unavailable who doesn’t know he lives in fear, you kinda covered quite a few bases.
Anyway, I’m gonna read this again and suggest this to a few friends…hoping they see the light. Cuz not only this piece about you, it’s about quite a few folks who need to get to know themselves. You know how I roll. LOL
Btw, I love you.
PEACE
You encapsulated much of what I’m feeling in one sentence: “And, I got tired of being disappointed.” which to me means more work on myself so that I become the type of women who attracks a different kind of man….more work to be done and more will be revealed.
You encapsulated much of what I’m feeling in one sentence: “And, I got tired of being disappointed.” which to me means more work on myself so that I become the type of women who attracks a different kind of man….more work to be done and more will be revealed.
It’s like you’ve had a front row ticket in the theatre of my life. All I can say is thank you.
It’s like you’ve had a front row ticket in the theatre of my life. All I can say is thank you.
I feel grateful that I made the right move! I have pondered for months on this post!
Thanks to all who took the time to read it.
@Kemic: you are right! Many, many, men and women are going thru the same thing. Or, they are in that space where they are getting disappointed over and over again. That bull will drain THE LIFE out of you. I can’t do it anymore.
Love you too! (that goes for everybody)
Thank you thank you thank you!!!
This is brilliance. To be so transparent and honest will free a lot of confused souls. Random sex is destroys the spirit. Our bodies simply aren’t designed to pass around. Nikki, thank you for being open and as a result, you’ve opened up a lot of minds.
God bless
Thank you for your honesty! And you are my buddy in more ways than one!
Hello again Nikki I met you at the brunch march 13th, I was the birthday person who danced for you with my beautiful wife. This is a great topic for us all because we think we know love but we enter it with sexual expectation for our counterpart as well as ourselves. We never explore our inner self. You are on the right road, you will discover things about yourself you didn’t know exsisted, such as your strenghts and weakness, why you like certain things or why you don’t. Once I had a conversation with an atheist and he asked me how do I know that God is real, have he or she talked to you or have you seen him. I replied to him, God is love and love is good, I can’t see it, I can’t touch it, I can’t taste it but I do know it exsist and the feeling is real.
I hit the “Like” icon, but I actually love this!
I got there in 2007…just got sick of the nonsense…you’re right — for women it’s never “just sex” and those of us who are doing so need to quit lying to ourselves about it…and one last thing…for me it’s also about who is willing to respect me as a human being (and not a just “blowup doll”) and make some kind of commitment to me. You can’t put me on the shelf when you don’t want to “play” and then expect me to still be there waiting when you do…it doesn’t work that way…