Are you surprised? Is that too personal?
I have pondered about writing this for awhile now, but hey, why not?
This was not an intended celibacy, but it wasn’t torture, either. Honestly:
I just stopped dating.
I had lots of “activity” in 2008 and 2009. And as hard as I tried to disconnect the “activity” from the emotional entanglement….it happened anyway. It’s never *just* sex is it? Whether we like it or not, you will always bond somehow when you are intimate with someone. It’s a Universal law of some sort.
So I just let go. After I took off my rose colored glasses, I recognized that all the “fun” I thought I was having was nothing more than an unhealthy toleration for flakes, control freaks, and emotionally damaged and unavailable men. I am not bashing, and I am not saying any of these men are bad people. They were great, actually. Just not for me at that particular time.
And, I got tired of being disappointed. Women are different from men. There is such a thing as bad sex for us! There was bad sex with Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. There was Dr Feelgood who had nothing else to offer. There was Mr Dynamite. If you are a woman reading this, you probably know him already. LOL. None of it was worth holding on to! I am a single mother. Truth be told, you’ve got to be worth my time and the dough for childcare. I found that this was not the case.
It wasn’t until the 9 month mark that I even noticed that I wasn’t getting any! What I did notice was that I was living a productive, peaceful life. I was building this website. I was having great quality time with my daughter. I was cultivating great friendships. And I felt hotter than ever!
The Universe made it easy for me. There were and are plenty of opportunities for sex, I’ll be honest about that. But something always happened to deter my efforts (and desires). Spiritual c**k blocking!
Even though this did not start out as a spiritual journey, that is what it is right now. I feel more spiritually connected. I don’t have to “try” to do or be anything. It just is. I *want* to do the things that keep me spiritually strong: meditating, yoga, journaling, etc. I crave it and make time for it.
Could sex have been a distraction or diversion to what was really ailing me?
My recent days of soul searching have brought up some uncomfortable things. For starters, I’ve never been in love. I’ve been very fond of many people, but “in love” means having a healthy relationship, and I’ve never even been close. Could sex have confused things for me? I think so. I think it brought out the worst in me and the people I was involved with. Like I said, I tried very hard to NOT confuse sex and love. Could that have confused the men I was involved with? I was involved, but always making moves to ensure that I was not vulnerable. It’s a jagged pill to swallow. I had a conversation with a close male friend not long ago. He admitted that he had a problem separating sex and love. I didn’t know that men ever had that issue! This changes things for me big time.
So now, I am looking to allow myself the vulnerability that would precede falling not only in love, but into a healthy relationship. Sex is not hard to get (especially for a woman). But love seems damn near impossible! What I’ve learned is that you have to cultivate it. It doesn’t just ‘happen’.
I have a new rule: I only deal with people that I love. All the friends in my circle are the loves of my life! I am talking about the AGAPE kind of love. Can you tell your friends you love them? I can. And I do it all the time. I figure if I surround myself with love, that the love of my life is never far away.
My two cents: Sometimes relationships are based on convenience–how long you’ve known someone, the fact that you work together or have the same hobby, etc. Recognize if that’s what it is or not. Stick with folks who motivate you and make you feel alive! And that’s whether you’re sexing them or not!
Until next time!